Twitter for idiots like me…

Although Twitter has been part of the cultural and political discourse for years, a vast percentage of the population still doesn’t understand it. To this blissfully ignorant percentage, tweets are simply the thing that journalists embed on to websites whenever they don’t feel like coming up with their own ideas.

So today I wanted to explain to people about Twitter and also give my Twitter account a plug at the same time.

@

A publicly identifiable name that helps differentiate you from everyone else on Twitter. Choose carefully. My username is @StuHeritage, for example, but in my heart I always wish I’d picked the more poetic @MonkeyFart69.

#

A hashtag is a clickable identifier that helps users find a public discussion about a subject. Want a Justin Bieber fan to read your tweet? End it with the hashtag #Bieber. Want to show that you either like or dislike Donald Trump? Use #Trump. Want everyone on Earth to hate you? #Blessed.

Tweets

These are the short, 140-character messages with which you further your personal brand. It’s important to give off a consistent tone in your tweets, otherwise people won’t know if you’re a whining hand-wringing liberal or a furious, impotent men’s right activist. Those are the only two types of people on Twitter.

Block

This is what Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall did to @StuHeritage in June 2016, even though Stuart did nothing wrong and just wants to be friends.

Direct messages

Direct messages (or DMs) are private messages that can only be seen by yourself and the recipient. They were invented purely for the transfer of uninvited penis pictures.

Followers

These are the people who follow you, because they’re just as invested in your personal brand as you are. As a rule, the higher your follower count, the better a person you are.

Reply

This is how you respond to tweets. If a famous person tweets something, reply with “Ha ha”. Then, when they don’t respond within 30 seconds, you can write “Ha ha” again. Then when they don’t respond to that, you can write “Why no reply :(?”. And then, when they don’t respond to that, write “DIE IN HELL, TALENTLESS HACK”. Then complain about being blocked.

Liking

A heart-shaped icon that you only press when someone sends you a tweet and you don’t like them enough to reply.

Mentions

Click the bell icon and you’ll see a list of tweets that other users want you to read. If you’re a man, you might find one or two messages from an old friend who wants to say hi. If you’re a woman, you’ll have several hundred messages telling you that you’re stupid and ugly.

Hacked

This is what people claim happened to them whenever they accidentally tweet a picture of their penis in public instead of DMing it.

@BillMurray

A parody account in no way affiliated with the actor Bill Murray. This is a terrible collection of weak observations and stolen homilies, designed to single out anyone who retweets them as someone who deserves to spend an eternity being punched in the nose in hell.

Verified account

A blue tick that tells you the user is either an A-list celebrity, a respected authority on an important subject or a BuzzFeed employee.

Moments

The thing on Twitter that nobody in the entire history of Twitter has ever intentionally looked at or thought about.

Retweet

A retweet is when you publish someone else’s tweet on your own feed. It is the only way that @StuHeritage can ever feel a scrap of self-worth any more.

Trends

This is a list of the terms and hashtags most used on Twitter at any moment of time. Most useful in the punishing aftermath of an unthinkable terrorist attack, because it reminds you that, no matter how frightening the world gets, a huge percentage of people still just want to talk about Harry Styles’s hair.

Code of conduct

A thing that Twitter says it has, but probably doesn’t.

Well I hope that has helped you and you have gained some insight into Twitter.

Don’t forget to visit my twitter page and follow.